Have you ever lost someone dear to you? Do you recall how it felt?
I thought of writing about this long ago, I just wasn’t able to bring myself to the point where I was okay with putting my feelings in black and white and letting other people read it. Grief is a very weird emotion. Some days you can sit with it and process it, other days you just don’t understand it and so you don’t know how to feel.
Fortunately (or maybe not), grief was one emotion I didn’t experience as much in my early years. I mean I heard about people losing loved ones and I saw my parents sad when they lost friends and family I didn’t exactly have a relationship with and I couldn’t relate to what they were feeling.
Fast forward to some years later, in 2016, I lost my maternal grandmother. That was my first real encounter with grief. It was new. I remember feeling sad but not unhappy. I spent my grandma’s last days with her, taking care of her, and reminding her of my name every day lol. My grandma was in her 80s’ and suffered hypertension and it had worsened before her passing. She got to the point where she started to forget who people were and only talked about dead people. To be honest, we made peace with the fact that it’d soon be her time to go. My grief wasn’t filled with sadness, rather It was mostly me reminiscing and cherishing all our moments together.
In July of 2018, I lost my best friend. It was sudden, unexpected, and cold. It felt like a really scary horror movie that I was being forced to watch for the first couple of months. I honestly thought it was a scary nightmare that I would eventually wake up from. It hit me so hard, I couldn’t think straight. I cried so much, I literally ran out of tears. I felt anger, sadness, hate. I felt it all and at some point, I just felt numb emotionally. I became very unstable emotionally and mentally. Months passed and I thought I felt better till I randomly burst out in tears in the middle of an unrelated conversation for no reason.
What hurt me the most was that people around me could not understand what I was going through. I had a family member say to me once that I couldn’t mourn forever. I wished I could explain to her that I hadn’t been able to sleep well in almost a year, I wished she had the nightmares I had, just maybe she’d understand then.
It took two years before I could feel like myself again. It had affected my relationship with people. I avoided getting close to people for quite a while because I felt I wouldn’t bear it if I lost another person I cared for. The grief I felt with my best friend’s death was nothing like that of my grandma’s death. This is just to say that we all process grief differently. It took me acknowledging and talking about my pain to get better.
In the past year, many have lost loved ones due to the ongoing pandemic and are grieving in some way. This post is just a reminder that it is completely okay to take your time to deal with grief, however long it takes.
Thank you for reading “There’s honestly no right or wrong way to grieve”. Please do share different ways you have dealt with grieve in the past in the comments… you might just be helping someone else.
I’ve been refreshing my mail for your post, I’m glad it dropped by. Speaking about grief, I lost one of my cousins this year, and till now, I can’t explain how I feel. Knowing it happened all of a sudden makes it more scary. I didn’t see the point to life anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that she’s in a better place. During my grief, I missed an important event, and someone said ” I went to far”, I had to call her out immediately to let her know people are very different, and she shouldn’t say that to the next person. I used to think time healed pain, but no it doesn’t. I’m only learning to adjust to the new normal, still do not know what that is, but trying to live regardless. The pain is still there, I just try to suppress it at times to not feel it, but it it’s still there.
Thank you for writing this one.
I’ve been refreshing my mail for your post, I’m glad it dropped by. Speaking about grief, I lost one of my cousins this year, and till now, I can’t explain how I feel. Knowing it happened all of a sudden makes it more scary. I didn’t see the point to life anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that she’s in a better place. During my grief, I missed an important event, and someone said ” I went too far”, I had to call her out immediately to let her know people are very different, and she shouldn’t say that to the next person. I used to think time healed pain, but no it doesn’t. I’m only learning to adjust to the new normal, still do not know what that is, but trying to live regardless. The pain is still there, I just try to suppress it at times to not feel it, but it it’s still there.
I really can’t wait to see the loved ones that are gone again.
I wish people would learn to let others grief in their own way, learn to say less too.
Thank you for writing this one.
Dearest Adanna,
My heart goes out to you for the loss of your cousin. I can only imagine how hard it was and how much pain you’ve been through. I cannot guarantee that the pain will go away, but I do know it gets better. I would say let yourself feel it all and grow through it. It gets lighter to bear, hang in there.
I also want to thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to this post, it means the world to me. I’m sure one or two or maybe 50 more people will learn to let others grieve in their own way
Lord have I been waiting. Thank you for dropping this it hit home. I lost a FRIEND in September 28th 2015 and 6years after it still feels like yesterday. Will I ever get over it ? I don’t know. I will carry the last image of her wherever “she trying not to finish the plate of food we shared cos I was busy fighting of people that acted rude to her”. It was satisfying cos I turned around to see her SMILING.I have lost 3 other PRECIOUS people within this six years and each one with it’s different PAIN. I will heal eventually or NOT CRY when I remember them sometime in the future but till then that’s the closest I feel to them.
Dearest Precious,
I can totally relate to your experience especially with the memory of losing your friend feeling fresh even after 6 years. I hope you find the healing you need. The one thing that has helped me is living for my lost loved ones. Before losing my friend, we talked about what we wanted to do in the future and I make sure to do those things not just for me but for my friend who couldn’t live to do them. This has also been a motivation to show up for me every day.
This is quite a lovely and much needed viewpoint. This feels like a balm on my soul.
I love it, and I love you.
Thank you so much Nwachukwu, I’m beyond glad you found this post helpful and comforting, forgive my late reply as well… life has been happening on my end, I love and appreciate you as well.
Lost my mum when I was 5,I still mourn her till today
Dear Gabby, I can only imagine how this feels. I think it’s beautiful that you honor your memory of your mum even after these years❤️